


Beer Bongs & Carbonated Milk

by halsyg



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Suggestive Themes, Texting, the fact that im the vessel for sharing it with the world is terrible, this entire interaction is a complete disaster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21514480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halsyg/pseuds/halsyg
Summary: Caspar and Sylvain engage in some (objectively very not-gay) male bonding.
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez/Raphael Kirsten, Caspar von Bergliez/Sylvain Jose Gautier, but like it's not gay or anything theyre just dudes chillin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Beer Bongs & Carbonated Milk

**Author's Note:**

> this is an absolute shitshow. inspired by a thread in the fe3h writing server that i run. shoutouts to Mimi for letting me use Sylvain's dialogue from the original thread!

Not even 45 minutes beforehand, the concept of what was happening hadn’t even crossed their mind. The Garreg Mach group chat, as always, was popping severely. 

  
  


**CASPAR [6:10pm] : ok i need some advice. how would a man who is short and rotund attract a man who is probably like 6’2 and lives only for muscle. asking for a friend**

**SYLVAIN [6:10pm] : did you show him your dick?**

**CASPAR [6:11pm] : no not yet**

  
  


Naturally, he was served a heaping helping of terrible advice; however this advice was given to Caspar, who barely knows anything. 

  
  


**CASPAR [6:12pm] : he sent me pictures of his muscles does that mean he is interested**

**SYLVAIN [6:12pm] : probably**

**CASPAR [6:12pm] : i havent even sent him anything yet he just kinda said hi and then bam. abs**

**CASPAR [6:13pm] : but like . is he really**

**CASPAR [6:13pm] : keep in kind who we are talking about here . he probably takes photos of his muscles every single day**

**SYLVAIN : [6:14pm] : wait. who is the dude. let me ask him. size him up**

**SYLVAIN : [6:14pm] : hold on weren’t you asking this for a friend**

**CASPAR [6:14pm] : see about that.**

**[CASPAR is offline.]**

Within that very moment, realization flashed before Sylvain’s brain cell like the first clap of thunder after a long day’s storm; poignant & laden with the anticipation from the hours that rang by before, yet not arriving without its fair share of shock. There was no way he was asking this kind of question for a friend. No way whatsoever. Caspar was into someone, without a doubt. 

**SYLVAIN [6:14pm] : WTF**

**SYLVAIN [6:14pm] : CASPAR GET YOUR THICK ASS BACK HERE**

**[CASPAR is online.]**

**CASPAR [6:17pm] : WHAT**

**SYLVAIN [6:14pm] : TELL ME WHO**

**SYLVAIN [6:14pm] : im gonna go boogie woogie on you if you dont tell me**

**CASPAR [6:14pm] : H**

**CASPAR [6:14pm] : im not telling you**

**CASPAR [6:14pm] : ever**

**SYLVAIN [6:15pm] : WHY THE FUCK NOT? IF ANYONE CAN HELP YOU WITH THIS IT’S ME**

**CASPAR [6:16pm] : im being cyberbullied**

**SYLVAIN [6:17pm] : dm me?**

Nigh instantly, Sylvain’s phone rang out with a tone all too familiar to him. His DMS were being hit up. Contrary to their normal purpose, he wasn’t being solicited; it was just a bro checking in for advice. 

**CASPAR [6:23pm] : it's raphael**

**SYLVAIN [6:23pm] : oh. was that not supposed to be obvious**

**CASPAR [6:23pm] : it's WHAT**

**CASPAR [6:23pm] : was it really obvious . oh my god**

**SYLVAIN [6:23pm] : yah**

**CASPAR [6:24pm] : on god bruh**

A step in the right direction! Sylvain’s love-making mojo was starting to flare up. A quick ping from the group chat dragged him out of his romantic reverie. Post-advisory text, Sylvain dug a tad deeper and requested his friend’s reason for this exchange. Caspar off-handedly mentioned a date he had, Sylvain asked him how hot his date was & how hard he was gonna smash, in a fashion more in-character than anything he had ever said before. Caspar, being… well, Caspar, remarked that he would never hit anyone unless they had it coming. 

**[EDELGARD is online.]**

**EDELGARD [6:25pm] : couldn’t sleep what’s the drama**

With a grin plastered from ear to ear, Sylvain let loose the great news; 

**SYLVAIN [6:26pm] : casp thinks his crush on raphael wasn’t obvious when it absolutely was**

**EDELGARD [6:26pm] : oh. yes it was a bit obvious**

**EDELGARD [6:27pm] : idk anyone else that tall or into muscles**

**SYLVAIN [6:27pm] : SEE?**

**EDELGARD [6:27pm] : i see him down at the gym all the time**

**EDELGARD [6:27pm] : he seems nice enough**

**CASPAR [6:27pm] : i hate this i hate this i h**

**CASPAR [6:27pm] : dont you DARE make fun of me for being into raphael i can and will kick your ass**

**EDELGARD [6:27pm] : good taste**

Well, that was that. Sylvain gave himself a pat on the back for his skill and another pat for his stunning good looks & natural charisma. Just as he got himself settled in his bed for a long night of swiping right, one sole notification popped up on his phone. Then another. An ever-building crescendo of digitized tones blared, a tell-tale sign of Caspar’s rampant & flighty messaging pattern infiltrating his DMS. Sure, why not? He’ll indulge his friend a little longer. Maybe he had a question about how to woo someone, or perhaps he was looking for good cafes to take his date to… 

**CASPAR [6:29pm] : god. i am a disaster**

**CASPAR [6:29pm] : im a mess of a man**

**CASPAR [6:29pm] : sylvain i need you to teach me how to fuck**

**CASPAR [6:29pm] : like right now**

Slack-jawed and in complete awe at the messages he had just read (with his own two eyes, nonetheless!) Sylvain set his phone on his bedside table. Was this real? Was this some real shit he just saw? He quickly cast another gaze towards Caspar’s messages.

...Yeah. That was real. 

This was… the last thing he expected to be doing with his evening. Not that he was complaining or anything, of course - a dude’s always gotta help another bro out - but this could probably be deemed a very pleasant unexpected surprise for him. With an eyebrow cocked, he typed out his response. 

**SYLVAIN [6:29pm] : real shit?**

**SYLVAIN [6:30pm] : meet me at my room in 20 min**

* * *

“Daddy long-dick just landed in Fódlan, baby.” Sylvain cooed, sauntering out of his room with a distinct swagger in his step, and a variety of hastily printed-out pages from his own personal encyclopedia of dick and balls clutched in his grasp. “You’re in good hands, Caspar… the CEO of Sex is here, and he’s gonna treat you like the king you are.” 

It was obscenely clear that not a single thought crossed the inner workings of Caspar’s mind, as he projected a vacant, quizzical gaze towards Sylvain. “Dude. What the fuck does that even mean?” With a wink and a subtle murmur, Sylvain tilted Caspar’s chin up to meet his gaze directly. “You’ll see, baby. You’ll see.” 

With that, Sylvain began to work his magic. Though his methods were those of a philanderer, it was clear that his hobby was founded in talent - as he pressed himself up against Caspar and --  
  
  


“WAIT - wait wait wait, Sylvain, dude, hold on just a second.” 

Caspar sat up with a jolt, eyes wide and laden with something like subdued fear. 

“This isn’t… gay or anything, is it? Cause, like...” 

As though it were rehearsed, the two of them spoke in tandem; “I’m not gay.” 

Sylvain chuckled to himself, charming and self-assured as ever. If this truly were gay, then clearly Sylvain would have some form of objection, wouldn’t he? No, he was the one who suggested it. There was no way this could possibly be like that. 

...Caspar duly noted how distinct and soft his laugh was. 

With a hand on Caspar’s shoulder, Sylvain ushered him back down against the silken sheets. “Y’know,” he began, “Silk really isn’t the best choice. I should have probably picked some different sheets. It’s gonna be like a sexy, sexy little slip-n-slide once we’re done here.” Caspar grimaced. “That’s the worst way you could have possibly said that, Sylvain.” Sylvain shot him a disgusted expression in response, realizing exactly what he had just said. “I know.” 

As the night rolled on, Caspar and Sylvain continued their dance in tandem, indulging in extremely platonic and heterosexual intercourse. Neither of them spoke the next morning, save for Sylvain, who uttered “Same time next week?” as Caspar left. 

They were back at it again the same time next week. 


End file.
